The Pursuit of Happiness

For many years I thought to myself, "I'm not happy".  Looking back, I couldn't even define happiness. All I knew was that by my account, I wasn't it. I wasn't always smiling, I didn't have everything I wanted in life. Therefore, I spent most of my time stressed out and the opposite of happy.
The other day I was overwhelmed with emotion because I realized that while my life wasn't exactly where I always thought it should be, I was happy. I was overflowing with gratitude for all that I currently have. It's not perfect, and most likely never will be but I'm blessed to be breathing and everything else is abundance. After I devoted a considerable amount of time to gratitude for this revelation, I thought about the years I'd spent trying to get to the moment I just experienced and wanted to share the things that I believe held me back. You can't go back in time to change things. but hopefully, if you're reading this you either can relate or save yourself the struggle.

Here is a list of the top 10 things that held me back from finding true happiness

• Caring what everyone else was going to think

Not only does it not matter but it's toxic to always desire approval from others. As long as you know you're doing what's right, trust your gut and forge ahead. The truth is, the older you get the less you care about the opinion of others because you realize the only person accountable for the actions you make is you.

• Not spending enough quality time with family

There were so many times my Mom or my brothers would ask me to hang out just because they liked to be around me but I spent far too many years "doing my own thing" which mainly consisted of sulking and feeling lonely so it would have been beneficial to allow myself the comfort of being around the people that loved me. Now, I live 2000 miles away and I don't get to spend nearly as much time as I'd like with them. Spend moments with the people that love you most. 

• Idle Time

Now that I have a career and a toddler I don't have spare time for anything. I used to take spare time for granted and even went so far as to use the adjective 'bored'. If you're 'bored' there's always something that can be done to remedy that.  Meditate, read, go volunteer your time some where it's needed. All of these things feed the soul. Just don't waste it. All the rumors you hear about time being precious are true. Live for those who can't and live life to the fullest while you're able to.Most importantly, take time to be grateful for everything.

• The years I gave in to Self-doubt

What if you were your biggest cheerleader? What if someone told you of your talents, your intelligence, even your beauty and you just soaked it in, realizing how truly awesome you are? What happens with most people is that when they are told good things they're likely to shrug it off or even counter it with a reason why that simply could not be the case. Take a compliment. Take it in and let it soak down to your core until it blossoms like the nourished flower you are meant to be. Be confident of your talents, your skills, the assets that you bring to the table. If you can't advocate for your ability to kick life's ass who will?

• The countless hours I spent sulking over love lost

The hardest phrase for me to fully understand as a person young and in love was "this too shall pass."  When your heart is broken it can seem as though you will never be okay again. You feel this insurmountable ache in your heart where love previously occupied. The truth about heartbreak is --it's temporary. If someone is meant to be in your life, destiny is good about making sure it happens. And, as painful as it seems at the time, taking a step back solo to reevaluate a difficult relationship can sometimes be the only way to understand what it is you really need as opposed to what you it is you feel you need. I'm not underestimating the growth that can come from heartbreak. I just wish that I hadn't cried so many tears thinking life was over when the truth was it was coming to an end to let better things begin.

• Hours I spent thinking about how life could have been

Rather than spending time trying to change things in my mind that I had no control over, I wish I'd given the same effort towards thinking about how I wanted my life to be and how I could go about making it happen. I wish I'd taken more time to give gratitude for what I was going through instead of wondering "why me?" or even more detrimental, "What if?" Life is full of different roads and most of us don't ever find out the 'why', and that's okay.  If you believe in the universal truth that 'everything happens for a reason', you'll have what's called 'faith' and use that to push yourself through those times when you have no idea what's next.

• Watching all those hours of Jersey Shore...

This is not to say I'm a hater. I tuned in every week to watch the atrocities that only can be committed in Seaside, NJ. However, I wish I spent more time exercising and experiencing life rather than choosing to be entertained by that which is MTV. I still watch trash tv, just in much smaller doses. Unlike exercise, meditation, reading, calling a friend, etc., trash tv does nothing to feed the soul. On the up side, I am a pop culture savant.

• Letting fear stop me from moving forward

As I forge in to my mid 30's, the phrase "No Regrets" comes to mind. There are times I do wish I knew then what know now because I wouldn't have wasted so much time wondering what was going to happen. Instead, I would have jumped in the drivers seat, harnessed all that energy and used it to drive myself where I was meant to be. When I think of how many times I doubted myself and how it stunted my personal growth it's clear to me that fear is a determining factor for success. We really do stand in our own way by doubting our own ability. If you don't think the thoughts and words you think and say have a big part in creating your reality than you may not have reached the time in your life where you realize that you have control over what happens to you.

• Not appreciating the great times

Life can be hard and not always fun. The older I get, the more responsibilities I have and the harder it is to enjoy the simple things and treasure them for the memories they will soon become. I wish I'd spent more time being grateful for all the fun I had. The carefree road trips, the parties, the shore houses, the barbecues and the times when I was so busy enjoying myself, I forgot to care about looking at my phone to see who posted what and I damn sure was too absorbed to ruin a moment by insisting on a selfie. Memories are precious jewels. Don't ever get so caught up you forget to make them and appreciate the time you spent creating them.

• The time I spent not being Present

Spend the precious time you have on earth focusing on what you want in your life instead of what you don't want. Realize that happiness isn't some unattainable, mystical unicorn. It's a state that you can choose to experience. Don't always be 10 steps ahead of yourself trying to figure out how the rest of your life will pan out. Just be present and try to be in the moment at hand instead of the moment that's coming next or the one that came before. It's amazing how much positive energy could be spread if everyone was intent on just 'being' rather than anxiously stressing about the past and the future. One of the most awesome things about becoming a parent is that kids only know how to stay in the moment and they force you to stay in it with them. Whether it's playing hide and seek or eating a snack, everything for them is an adventure. I've come to the conclusion that we all need to try to be more like children and less like 'adults', or whatever that term has come to mean in our society and in doing so maybe just maybe-- we can value the time we have now all the more.

What you think it must be like to have a baby vs. what it's actually like to have a baby

     "Aweee!! Let me hold your baby!" "How cuuuuute!" "Oh, I think he's crying, want him back??" I used to be one of those people. One of those single, selfish, clueless, well rested individuals that thought people with children were necessary to continue our population but I was always secretly glad I wasn't one of them. I was the person silently judging when a child started screaming in the grocery store.
     I remember thinking, tsk tsk.. Why can't that parent get control of their kid or just leave her home? I was the ignorant jerk that was shaking my head when your kid starting having a tantrum in the booth next to me at the restaurant because he didn't get to squeeze the ketchup bottle himself.
      I'm sorry. Really, I am. I had no idea how hard it was to travel anywhere with a baby/child/toddler/little person. I was unaware that if you spend time planning an outing your child the child may decide to take an unscheduled nap thwarting your attempts at being anywhere on time (ever again).
    I've heard women tell me "Oh, I used to be able to remember everything--then I had a kid and got "Mommy brain" I laughed with them quietly thinking, that will NEVER happen to me (is that even REAL?!). Guess what--it's real. Sometimes, I can't even remember the color red...I will rack my brain looking for the word but it just doesn't come. I don't know why, or how but the baby does steal parts of your brain.
   If someone I knew was having a baby I would say "Just let me know when you need a sitter! I'm happy to help out!" inwardly, I knew they'd probably never call me (at least I hoped they didn't).  I remember being pregnant and thinking that I would still have plenty of "me" time. Guess what? Nope. The spare time I do have I want to spend with my kid because I miss him while I'm gone all day.
   That's another thing--whether you stay home or go back to work full time  you will feel immense guilt. This guilt comes with being a Mom. I'm assuming it was passed down to me from my own Mother who I'm further convinced made up the word herself since she is capable of inflicting so much of it on to me. When I'm at work I miss the baby. When I'm home, I'm exhausted and feel bad for not always being 100% present as a Mother.  No matter what, I'm sure I'm always screwing something up.
   All the friendships you've been able to maintain thus far will be in question as you battle the first year of being parenthood. I promise you that if the same people stay your friends after the first year then you know they must really value you as a person because you really won't have time to tend to these people for a while so they'll have to be some really understanding, self-sufficient, people.
       When you have not slept for more than 2 hours consecutively for weeks at a time and you're sore pretty much everywhere and your partner is taking a mid-day nap (because, he can), and you're about to lose your shit--whomever you pick up the phone to call at that moment is most likely your best friend. Make sure you thank them later when you're well rested (I don't know when this will be -maybe like, 18 years from now). The thing is when you think about having a kid and all you can see is visions of your family playing in the park and putting the baby to bed while you read them their favorite book or playing Candyland while your kid smiles at you just thankful to you for birthing them--think again!
    These things do eventually happen and I'm sure they are fantastic but the other 22 hours of the day and 360 days of the year it's a struggle. To be honest, being a parent has made me a better person. I wouldn't trade it for the World. I just wish that I had a better idea of what it entailed. Of course, that's part of being a parent---the revelations. But, I'll let you find that out for yourself.

Inspirational Things

Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy. -Robert Tew

       This quote inspired my post today. Lately I find myself lacking the inspiration to say the words that lay heavy on my heart. I wonder where my inspiration has gone to. I'd like to think that I am a person that speaks the words crippling my mind with anxiety or joy. However, part of being human is being many things to many people. Playing a role, if you will. During the week, I play corporate slave and then I run home to play Mom to my beautiful son. On the weekends, I try to to be the Mom I couldn't be during the week because I was too tired from being a slave to my job. In between all of that I find myself trying to be a decent partner, a caring friend, a daughter my Mom can be proud of.
          When do I have time for inspiration? Is it something that I need to pursue or will it find me? Do I need a muse? Why is it that there is so much time when you're young yet almost none is left when you actually have the resources and wisdom to spend it wisely?
           I used to think that something big would happen to me. I didn't know what it was going to be but I knew when it happened that it would forever alter my course, re-shaping my destiny. I realize now that it doesn't have to be a big thing. That, if you wait for the big thing to happen you may miss lots of little things that are important in their own way. Maybe it's the little things that you find inspiration from along the way. The flower you pass that captivates the artist deep within you forcing you to snap a picture of it even though you already know that you could never convey the beauty you see with any other human because they would interpret the same flower distinctively different. 
          Maybe it's when my son smiles his genuine, blessed toothless grin that radiates pure love that reminds me what it feels like for my heart to skip beats. Perhaps it's the way someone can touch your soul with words that speak to you in a language you'd forgotten you learned when you were young and less jaded, allowing your heart to bloom in to the ray of sunshine it longs to be.
         The reason this quote spoke to me on a day when I was scanning my brain on what to write here is I have always had a habit of staying somewhere for too long. Remaining with someone even though I'm sure that it's not meant to be. It's like staying wrapped up in a comfy blanket in your sweats not moving out of bed on an overcast, rainy day. You know you should get up but damn, it's pretty comfortable right where you are. I guess there comes a point when you have to wonder where your life would be if you never changed out of those clothes and left the house. Even though it was raining. Even though it was comfortable. How would you ever enjoy the sun on your face if you never left the house to feel it?
        Today, I encourage you to take risks. Change it up. Be brave. If you' lacking inspiration, look around you, it's waiting to be discovered.

Life is full of choices

I realized walking the dog the other night that childhood really is the best time of your life. No responsibilities. People take care of you. They feed you, they clothe you, they make sure you’re happy and healthy. 

I started working at 15 years old and now, almost two decades later I'm ready to retire. Nobody sat me down and told me to slow down and that once I took my first job I'd be stuck working for the rest of my life. I learned all about responsibility but was way too young to understand anything about money management.  Then, I went to college where there are stands of people just giving away free stuff and all you had to do is quickly fill out a credit card application. Well, I'm now 32 and I just made the last payment on that debt about 6 months ago--that was an EXPENSIVE "free" t-shirt. 

These are the lessons we learn as we grow up and we're responsible for our own crap. If you're lucky, you've managed to retain two of the twenty or so best friends you made growing up but good luck getting in touch with anyone when you need them because grown-ups have little to no time on their hands.

I look at my 9 month old and don't see worry or stress or tired frustration and most days he wakes up with an ear to ear smile on his little chubby face. I want to make sure he goes through his whole life waking up like that. I realized quickly that try as I might, there would come a time when I wouldn't be able to control his happiness. This is probably the toughest part of being a parent.  

The toughest part of being a person is realizing that only you can choose to wake up in the morning and be happy. It's a personal choice to greet people with a smile rather than a grimace. Being angry and bitter and remorseful will get you nowhere but more angry and eventually physically sick. The Universe deals the cards but you're the card player. You're the one with the ace in the hole.  Your feeling about the game is relative to the mood you've put yourself in. In life you choose to either be the vulture or have vultures feed on you. Or, you can choose to fly away. As long as you realize the choice is still yours to make.  

Purpose, Clarity and Divine Intervention (and everything in between)

I heard a great analogy last week. It went like this: this woman was taking her Grandson for his annual eye appointment because he needed new glasses.  She never needed glasses but since she had to take him any way and they were having a ‘buy one eye exam get one free’ special, she decided to take advantage of the 2’fer and got an eye exam too. After the exam, the eye doctor asked her where her glasses where. She responded that she didn’t wear glasses and didn’t need them. The Dr. corrected her and said that she needed them and should have been wearing them for years. When she put the glasses on, she realized immediately that her eyes were adjusting to the level of deficiency that was present. If you don’t know better, you can’t do better. If you limit yourself and are filled with fear about leaving the things behind that you know are wrong for you, you may not ever realize it.

 This spoke to me in so many ways that I started really thinking about what it was that I was selling myself short on.  What decisions was I making out of fear—fear of not having financial security, fear of being alone, etc. that was crippling my ability to move forward on my path?

Be aware that if you start seeking clarity, it will come. What comes isn’t always pretty so it may be a difficult pill to swallow when you start thinking about the things that placed you where you are right at this moment.

I spent so many years trying to suppress all the experiences in my life that didn’t necessarily feel pleasant to think about.  One day someone I love asked me why I was so angry? For the first time I think in my whole life I was rendered speechless. I knew I was angry I just had no idea why. 

Where the true journey began for me was when I started to revisit memories that I had that were hard instead of comforting. I believe there is a divine plan for all of us. One that we’re supposed to walk down and there’s an infinite number of branches we can take to get where we’re really fated to go anyway. There are things that prevent you from fulfilling your purpose while you’re here. Let’s call them detours. Some are long, some are short but mostly all of them make you become misaligned with what you’re truly supposed to be doing. You’ll know you’re there when things start to go wrong at a rapid pace and life becomes out of your control.   It’s okay to take a detour, as long as you’re strong enough to find your way back.  

Once I truly began reflecting I had a moment of realization:  the only things that a matter while you’re on this Earth is your connection with other people. Human connections are part of our soul’s purpose. Think of all the times a huge thing has happened in your life. Majority of the time, the big things in your life, the ‘life changers’ , happen seemingly by accident or were a huge surprise.  Some people are put in your path to teach you important lessons about yourself. Sometimes, you’re placed in other’s lives to make an impact on them. Either way, everything you do has purpose.

So make yours a great one. Give the best of yourself to every person that you encounter—trust me, a simple smile to a stranger can matter more than you’ll ever know.

ONE.

Time may change me. But you can't trace time.

~All things change, and we change with them.


Change. It’s within your reach. You know what it means, but as I’ve come to realize, you can’t achieve it without some personal risk. Five years ago, I was living in a small town in N.J., surrounded by everyone I’d ever known growing up and never truly feeling content with where my life was at or the direction I was going.

Sure, I knew that it was possible to make changes, but it was so hard…and I was petrified. For me, fear was one of the main components of change. For every change I made, I became stronger, and realized that while I’d never be able to control the outcome; I could control the action I took and the energy I put out in to this World.

When I came to NM, I thought that I had hit my bottom. I was so lonely, and had nobody but myself to answer to. What that meant was I could no longer blame my bad days on other people. I couldn’t come home upset that someone had done something to me to make me feel a certain way. For this first time in my life I had to hold myself accountable for everthing I thought and felt.

It was decision time. I was only supposed to be in Albuquerque for six weeks. By my calculations that was just long enough for me to get away without missing anything, or anyone too much. A couple of weeks before I was supposed to leave, I learned that someone I had knew and cared for passed away much too young. I was so sad and wanted desperately to escape the emptiness in my heart, so I went up to the top of Sandia Mountains on a tram. When you reach 13,000 feet of elevation the air is different. When I got to the top, I sat out on the edge of a peak overlooking the land and realizing for the first time that instead of being the center of the Universe, I was only a small piece. It was something so simple, yet I’d never even considered it in all the years I’d spent in N.J. I was always too preoccupied with working too hard, stressing out too much and spending any free time I had entertained by what was going on around me rather than what was going on inside of me. I decided that day that I was going to stay in N.M. I didn’t know for how long, but for the first time in my life, that didn’t matter.

About two years in to living out here, on my own, I had some time to think and mature. I began figuring out who I was, what I wanted, and where I needed to be. It was difficult picking up my life and moving 2,000 miles away from everyone I loved, but it was worth it. I strongly feel that without risk, there is no reward. In exchange for the loneliness, I got to know myself, and for the first time, I genuinely liked who that was.

Of course, I didn’t always have the courage to make a move like that. Truth be told, I left because my heart was broken, and I knew my spirit was next to go. Also, I started paying close attention to all of the signs around me telling me it was time to leave. First, my job moved to another state. Then, I had a breakup that left me with no place to live. Finally, I tried to lease an apartment that turned in to an eight hour ordeal which promptly sent me (and my first month’s rent ) running out of there realizing, if so many things are turning out so badly, what could I do to make it stop?

People always ask me, why do you live out there in New Mexico? How do you stand living in the desert? It’s so slow there…and hot! The answer I always give is the same, it doesn’t matter where you are, it only matters who you are and what and whom you choose to surround yourself with.
In order for things to begin, things have to end. I’d always had an issue with resorting to my past for safety. Whether it be a bad habit or a bad relationship, I just couldn’t seem to keep myself away from the things that were already proven to be toxic for me. It’s like the feeling of exhaustion you get after trying to swim against the current in the water for too long. I was tired, and I knew I had no choice but to go forward. Except, my mind just wouldn’t let me. If I’d been telling this story 10 years ago, I would have blamed it on my heart. But, I learned over the years that you have the ability to control your emotions, it’s your mind that will lead you to the edge of self destruction and dare you to jump.

It isn’t easy and it never will be. Personally, I don’t think it’s supposed to be. But, there came a time when my countless hours of self reflection began to illuminate the darkness I’d been living in for so long. That’s when I knew I had found myself again. I was no longer someone’s daughter, friend, colleague or significant other, I was Melanie, and that was finally okay with me.

Taking control over your life breeds a confidence that can’t be shaken. When you have traveled your journey to wherever it is you’re going, and realize that you have the power within you to make your life what you want it be, you will never feel like you have to rely on another person again. However, ironically, when you get to that place, you turn around and see all of the people that supported you along the way. That’s how you know who your true friends are. The people that are there to wipe your tears should be the same people that are excited to join you in toasting to your happiness.

I started out just breathing at night to clear my head because I couldn’t remain calm enough to attempt meditation and my thoughts were driving me to places I was tired of visiting. The small windows of clarity allowed me a peek at what being in the moment was all about. If you’re not present for life, you miss it. You can spend a lifetime pouring over your regrets, or take a moment and be aware of what’s right in front of you.

Don’t spend life waiting, wondering, hoping for better times to arrive, make it happen for yourself. Don’t try to plan ten years from now, every breath we take is another blessing. Life can change in an instant. The only way to enjoy it is to remain flexible, and open yourself up to the possibility that the best is yet to come.

In Your Honor

  When I left Bayonne, 4 years ago, I thought I was saying goodbye to my hometown. But last weekend that all changed when I had an idea for a group where people could share their most cherished stories of all--their memories about their hometown.

Our hometowns shape us.  It can’t be denied.  Each and every one of us is who we are, in part, because of where we grew up.  It was the people we knew, our teachers, police officers, priests and preachers,  piano teachers, PAL coaches and dance instructors who taught us lessons about life that would later prove more valuable than we ever knew they would be.

It is truly a tribute to humanity that so many people have flocked to this group with hopes of sharing a ‘remember when’ story, just aching for the chance to discuss a time when life wasn’t so stressful.   A time when people left their doors open because they knew and trusted their neighbors.  When the people that you surrounded yourself with lived on your block, or went to your school.  This group has done that by creating a welcoming atmosphere of nostalgia. Thank you, (yes you, reading this right now), for starting what I hope will one day serve as a reminder to not just my hometown people, but to everyone's. My gratitude for each and every person that feels the same way is immense.

When I look at old photographs and speak to people that I haven’t communicated with in a while, it always takes me back to a time when I didn’t have to worry if the rent was paid. All I had to worry about is being a kid. TPlaying games and laughing until my stomach hurt. That kind of carefree attitude can’t be manufactured or sold.  And once it’s gone, it’s near impossible to recapture.  That’s the beauty of nostalgia.

The overwhelming majority of folks shared the same things. Some missed the locally owned stores. Some wondered why their children couldn’t have the same childhood they did. Why couldn’t their child go out and play until the streetlights came on and it was time for dinner? The simple answer is that times have changed. But, what I’ve realized by starting this group is that people have not. People are still good even though times are tough. I truly believe that this group is indicative of what America needs today:  To reconnect with a time when there weren’t cell phones and gadgets consuming our lives.  A time when people left their house and explored their community.  We need to remember that a community is people and places with shared experiences.  What that means is that we’re all in this together.   That while we are different, we share the same memories, have passion for the same interests, and are defined by our desire to be ‘heard. recognized, and above all else, loved.

Nostalgia serves as a reminder that we are all interconnected. That while we may be different, most of us share the same kind of memories, the same common goal. We are in control of our own happiness, and ultimately are all a part of something worth fighting for: our community.  And if everybody remembers that…well, then anything is possible.

In My Hometown

Sometimes, in order to go forward, you have to go back. Even though I live 2,000 miles away, I can’t ever forget where I came from.  After seeing how many memories people I didn’t even know had of growing up in Bayonne,  I compiled a list of the top 10 things that are the sure signs you grew up in Bayonne (or knew someone that did).

"Childhood is the most beautiful of all life's seasons."  ~Author Unknown

B# 1.           Broadway, and all its Glory:

             Sidewalks have changed, in that Bayonne no longer holds their annual ‘Sidewalk Sale’ on Broadway. Styles have come and gone from the ‘Skaters’ with their wide legged (sometimes homemade) pants to the baggy jeans issue that over time has gotten better, but will probably never completely disappear.  There were cheerleaders and there were those who marched to a beat of his or her own drummer.  We transformed from a town where people would wear their Sunday’s best to go to Uncle Milty’s to a place where the youth would rush to the local carnival, meet up with their friends, grab a zeppole and a ride on the Bullet. Whatever the case may be, Bayonne fills me with a nostalgia of a time when people only shopped at locally owned stores. The stores were owned by people we grew up with, and saw every year when it was time to back to school and you needed a new pair of shoes.  When you wanted a slice, you would go to the pizza place and after, it was on to Carvel.  When you got older, it was time to drive up and down all 52 blocks of Broadway. Then, it was off to Global .

2.      # 2.                   The Parking Situation/Snowstorm Situations

Everyone knows that there was not, nor will there ever be, parking anywhere near where you have to go. And when Bayonne gets hit with the brutal snowstorm of the year, (which it almost always does, parking gets even worse. For months, the topic of conversation between any Bayonne residents at any given time will be the putrid aesthetic of the "black snow" and how there is absolutely nowhere in town to park.

3.       # 3.            The Parks:

               As kids, we all hung out at our local park.  Whether it was hanging at 16^th st. to play ball, Hudson County to go to the playground, 1^st Street to go see or play a Little League game, or Vets Stadium; we all had the chance to enjoy a park in one way or another,  and were better because of it.

4.       #4.          Local Activities:

             There are many things to do in Bayonne. If you ever played basketball at the P.A.L. or worked there, like me), you’re not alone.  If the bulk of your childhood consisted of hanging out on street corners and playing manhunt and touch football until your Mom stuck her head out of the window to call you in, you grew up in Bayonne.  Broadway served as the one-stop shopping center for everything from clothes to comics and today, every time I visit, I notice that while the shops have changed hands, the people are still there, crowding up the streets.

While activities have changed over the years, some things can be counted on to stay the same.  

Where most people are these days:

1.       The Gym

2.       Tanning

3.       Eating

            4.       Working

5.       #5.         Growing up;  Bayonne Style

  St. Vinnie’s Dances

 Where you could spend the night getting all dressed up to go to a basement in a church,  and then hope that someone will ask you to dance to the one slow song at the end before the lights started to come up as the music was still playing.

                White Rock

For some it was the spot for their first kiss. Others, it was the place they recall when they remember smoking their first cigarette.  Located behind the Senior Citizens buildings on Ave. A., most pre-teens and adolescents reached this destination via the back entrance of the Hudson Bay.

              16^th St. Pool

Whether you swam in it, took your kids there, or just passed by, the Pool has been a staple of the Bayonne community for a while.

Other places you might be:

-Your friend’s house

-The Bay

-The Park

-Skating/biking/walking

-The Diner (either Uptown or Downtown. Uptown will always be my favorite!

6.      # 6.         Community:

             If I could say anything about my time there, it would be that everyone really knew everyone. What I mean by that is, if your friend took a fall on 48^th St., you’d know about it on 3^rd st. in just under 10 minutes. This could be both a comfort, and a curse. Now, of course, it’s still like that. It’s almost as if after childhood, the bars kept everyone glued together.  Is it possible in every town to walk into your local bar and be able to see at a minimum of 5 people you either grew up with, dated, or at least knew of? I highly doubt it.  There really was a time when the Cops, Teachers and Firefighters all resided in Bayonne and vowed to keep us safe. They did a damn good job of it too. Now, Bayonne isn’t as safe as it was and people have moved because of it.  While property taxes and Real Estate go up, the quality of people seem to dissipate. Sad, but true.

Through its gentrification, Bayonne has morphed into a place that has both changed drastically and yet somehow, remains the same.

                      

7.       #7.         Bayonne Geography:

People live very close together in Bayonne.  Whether it’s one block, or 10, you’re not ever so far away that you can’t walk. And, that was always one of the things I adored.  Everyone was divided in grammar school, but when it came to High School, if you went to B.H.S., you, like me, were astonished by how massively intimidating the school appeared when you first saw it. And, then later, you were surprised at how small it seemed years after you left.  Besides the constant influx of nail salons, tanning salons, Liquor Stores, and Gyms located on almost every square inch of a Bayonne city block, there were  churches, parks, schools and people that helped impress upon your morals and values, (at one point or another), for every  Bayonne  Resident.  Bayonne is located less than 30 minutes from Manhattan, and about 10 minutes from Staten Island, and most residents, take total advantage of that luxury. This is why it’s expensive to live there, even if you may not think it’s “worth” it (and get pissed when you can't find a parking spot to save your life). When I needed to get somewhere quick, and I was too young to drive, the preferred method of transportation was a cab. You knew every cab number in Bayonne and for $3.25, you knew when they said "30 minutes", they really meant about an hour. Either that, or they'd tell you it would be "a while", and then they'd be outside honking like a madman while you scrambled to get your shoes on because you thought.

8.       #8.              Are you Hungry?

                 Bayonne has some of the best cuisine in the United States. Sure, I may be bias, but that doesn’t  mean I’m wrong.  From the dozens of pizza places, these are among the Top 5:

1.       Pompei Pizza: I don’t think this place has ever changed owners, and it never, ever should. This was the spot to go when I was growing up. You could go there with $5 and sit for an hour with your friend while you played their jukebox, ate a slice and had an RC Cola.

2.       Pizza Masters

3.       Tony’s

4.       Fontanas

5.       Joe’s: The only place that was open when you needed a slice  after 11pm.

Let’s not forget the joy of a sandwich from Benanti’s, Carvel, Magic Fountain, and the countless Bakeries that add to the melting pot of ethnicities that reside in that town and make it what it is.

9.       #9.               The People from Bayonne:

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard someone say that they “can’t wait to move out of Bayonne!”, I’d be rich. Mostly, I'd probably have to pay them back considering 80% of the people that say that return at some point.  Still, there are those residents that have been there since birth and will remain there till they die. We call these people “Bayonne-ies’ “.  The drama, the gossip, the friendships, the history…it’s all what makes Bayonne what it is. An experience worth recalling .   I used to be somewhat annoyed by the fact that when I came to visit, I couldn’t go to the A&P, Shop Rite, or really anywhere in town, without bumping in to someone I know.  Now, I take comfort in that hard to find, small hometown spirit that just isn’t present in every town.  

1#10.                                    “Yeah, I’m from Bayonne. Born and raised.”  And proud of it!

       I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said this. No matter what kind of question it was, I always had the same response. In my Freshman year of College, a guy from out of town asked me if I was embarrassed to be from a town with the slogan “If it’s from Bayonne, leave it alone”.  While others may have their perceptions of what it was like to grow up in Bayonne, I have my memories. They are backed up by all the people that have shared them with me or have made their own. Either way, loyalty was ingrained in me because of where I am from, and it’s a trait that makes you want to defend your hometown, and all of the glory you know exists there. No matter how long you've been absent from it…

Adventures in Kayaking...

Let me start by stating that I'm by no means an expert on the subject of kayaking. However, I've had a couple of negative experiences on rivers prior to this. One of them being on the Delaware Water Gap involving a Canoe that tipped and caused a hell of a debacle that ended in physical injuries, a tow trip from PA to NJ on Memorial Day weekend and a breakup. Need I say more? I've also done floating down the river, but there isn't any real work involved in that activity. You just tie some tubes together and float down the river while drinking some beer from the cooler that's tied next to you. I don't want to admit that I was naive enough to think that kayaking wouldn't be a lot of work, but when all was said and done I definitely considered myself upgraded from 'wuss' to 'warrior' status. The man that owns this place was a little chatty over the phone when I was booking my spot for this trip, but I figured he was just trying to be thorough. He asked that we arrive 30 minutes before our 9am take-off. By the time we arrived, there was a young dude cleaning off the kayaks we'd be using for our adventure so it was cool to be able to check out where our behinds would be parked for the 2 and a half hour paddle. Then, the owner came out and proceeded to bore the crap out of my and my two friends with endless banter about how we should be careful to avoid 'branches' in the river, and how we'll see these 'large metal structures' and we need to avoid them too (thanks, for that, but I think it's pretty intuitive to avoid things that are visibly jutting out of the water. We then watched a 20 minute video on everything he pretty much just spent 20 min. telling us. He even made us watch the parts on canoeing and white water rafting (why? I don't know). To top that off, he brought up his Google Map presentation and showed us where we'd be most likely to encounter these super threatening tree branches and metal structures. Ok, fine. We're ready now. We take off in the van and drive past all of the private land owned by several Indian tribes. The spot for take off was in the middle of nowhere and by that time (already past 9:30), we were ready to go! But WAIT, there's more.
The dude then proceeded to draw some diagrams in the dirt with the corner of the oar explaining how not to directly hit the branch or/and the metal structure. Finally, we take off and we're on our way out onto the waters of the Rio Grande. Or lack thereof. What I mean is that NM has been in a drought as of late so instead of floating a little with the current and then paddling we were forced to paddle furiously the whole way if we didn't want to move at 3 miles per hour. This was fine...at first.
I wound up drifting one way and my friends drifted another. As I was going through this marsh, I could hear my friend yell that they'd meet me on the other side of the little island. Great, I thought, that shouldn't be far! Instead, it was about 30-40 minutes of hell because I wound up stuck in spots with no water and the boat was way too heavy to carry anywhere. This means that I had to use all of my energy to push myself back to any spot where the water was higher than my ankle (which was hard to find).
By the time I floated out to the other side, my friends were parked and waiting for me on some rocks and I must say, I was never happier to see them. We still had about another hour of paddling to do and we started to wonder where and when we'd see the people form the Paddling place to pick us up...
After another hour of paddling, we realized we must have missed the take out point and were pretty much screwed. My friend called the owner who told her that we 'should have never went that far! Didn't we see the take-off point that was so not clearly marked?? NOPE. DO YOU REALLY THINK WE'D BE CALLING YOU FROM YOUR DAMN KAYAK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RIO IF WE DID?? Then he says that he's not sure if he'd be able to send anyone to pick us up. This part really infuriated me because the last thing you want to worry about after this kind of trip was finding a place to park your kayak and not having a ride out of there. He told us to continue swimming until we saw the Alameda bridge, he'd try to get someone out there by the time we made it there, which would be a while since it was miles and
miles away. Really, there was no bridge in sight. This is the point of the story where I want to stress that if this guy had talked MORE about where and when we'd be picked up, and less about the branches we may or may not see in the river, we probably wouldn't have gotten lost and it would have been a perfect trip.
Instead, we wound up paddling 21 miles and cried when we realized we had no freakin idea where the bridge even was. When we finally did make it and dragged our heavy ass canoes up the dirt trail, two dude came about 10 minutes later to pick us up. They told us that this had 'happened before' and that the owner needs to stress where the take off point is. Yes, that would have been nice. He then told us they charge people double to do the trip that we just took so we actually made out like bandits! Go figure. I told him that I actually would have paid them double if they'd only been there to pick us up when they were supposed to.
This was definitely an adventure, one that I most likely won't be taking again in the near future, or until I regain feeling in my arms again. Honestly, when I do this again, I will gladly pay to rent a kayak for the $40 this 'trip' cost me. It would be easier because I wouldn't have to endure the sound of the owner rudely chatting away about things that aren't of importance for my trip. The best part about the whole experience was getting to share it with two kick ass women that paddled their asses off just like I did on a beautiful day with serene surroundings and beautiful Mother Nature providing all the kick ass scenery.

You stole MY car and all you left me was this stinkin Dixie Chicks CD?!

Ok, so I suck at blogging on a regular basis. Let me catch you up. Since my last blog, my car was stolen, along with a music collection that I've been compiling for over 10 years. At first, I didn't know which one I was more upset over having been stolen. Then, I gave it some thought and came to the harsh realization that my love for music is challenged only by the stubs that God gave me for legs. Add in the factor that NM has no real public transportation, and the lack of money I had to replace the car I saved for 3 months to get, and you can assume which item was going to afffect my well being more.

Anyhoo, I know what you're thinking..."Why would she leave her music collection in the car!" Well, I don't have a good answer for that other than I didn't exactly plan on getting my car jacked that day. But not to fret, this dirty criminal left me one CD I found flung in the back-seat.

But I digress. When I walked outside, I had the initial instinct that I must have parked my car in a different area,. I would assume that most people think this when their car gets stolen. Then, the moment was gone and I realized quickly that someone had appreciated Hunter's beauty, my 98' Honda Civic the way that I do, except they didn't just buy it like I did one month prior.

I called the cops, whom immediately scolded me for calling 911. That's right, apparently, in the state of New Mexico, you should ONLY dial 911 when their is a murder being committed, witnessed, or you see someone drunk driving. If I'd had been in better spirits, I probably would have alerted them to the fact that I felt capable of murder at that very moment. In speaking with the police, they asked me if instead of sending an officer over, could I fill out a report on-line? No. Not only no, but Hell no, I replied.

Apparently, the response of the cops in NJ spoiled me into thinking that's how every state handled things. WRONG. How do you know when a state is poor? The schools suck (they DO) and there is no police presence (unless you're drunk driving and Erik Estrada is whizzing by on his motorcycle during the 100 days of Summer). I no longer wonder why locals refer to this place as "The Wild West".

Ok, so about 2 hours later, an officer shows up, ignorant to my panic and tears, assuring me that my car was probably halfway to Mexico by now. So I go to work, sullen and defeated. Telling my co-workers the crippling news of my car theft through muffled sobs (of COURSE I'm still dramatic, I am from NJ).

And you want to know what happens then? My work phone rings, not even an hour after i get to work telling me that they found my car, it's running and in the mountains about 30 minutes from where I am. At first, I thought they MUST be mistaken. But no, this operator had just the right amount of nastiness in her tone when I expressed bewilderment, that I knew she was telling the truth. She informed me that I had 15-30 min. max to come pick up my car or it would be towed and I'd have to pay $300 to get it out of the impound. How ironic that they expect you to rush to pick up your car when it's found after being stolen, especially since you have no car to get there.

Needless to say, I got a ride out there, and there was my baby. Bruised but not battered. Hunter was so happy to see me, and me her, that we embraced as soon as I saw her sitting there, at the bottom of some trail in the middle of nowhere. Turns out, the idiot criminal just needed to get across town and used poor, defenseless, Hunter as the vessel.
The two deputies from this ho-hum town I'd never heard of explained that this kind of thing "happens all the time". I inquired as to the status of the manhunt I was sure was launched to find the person who stole my car, only to find out that there would be none. I was told to "count my lucky stars" that the thief had left it abandoned and running, which appeared odd to a hiker who called the "cops".

So what did the thief leave me as a token of apology you ask? Out of over 100 CD's, I found the good Ole' Dixie Chicks alive and well shining like a jewel as the only thing left in my car. Someone, please remind the Universe to bestow gratitude to the car jacker in NM who left me the crappiest CD in my collection as a reminder that he or she's not ALL bad. It's fine now, I have my car and sleep like a baby. Why? Well, I went out and bought the poor man's alarm system, the CLUB. That's right, back off when you see the yellow sign promising "theft protection", and all for $15.99!

If only I'd known that I was going to be robbed, I would have done three things different. One, I would never have called my mother after calling the cops. The first thing she said to me was "Why didn't you have the Club on it?" Which, of course made me even angrier, mostly at myself, because I'm 28 and STILL learning things the hard way. But also, at my Mother, who NEVER misses a chance to state the obvious. Second, I would have never stole that bottle of Fire & Ice from Rockbottom when I was 12 (karma is a Bitch)! And lastly, I would have definitely gotten that bum drivers side window fixed so that someone who needed a ride across town couldn't have just slipped their arm in and opened Hunter's lock. Lesson's learned. Car's returned.

Of course, I can no longer listen to the Dixie Chicks, understandably so.
.

Things change...time passes....yet people remain the same.

Ask any obnoxious American if they would help a little old lady across the street, majority would say "absolutely".
Ask the average person if they would rescue another human being from death if they had the chance and most would agree it's the "right thing to do."
However, when these same "quality" people are asked to obey orders, they will kill their fellow man 90% of the time.
What's wrong with this picture? Quite a bit if you ask me.
In July of 1961, University Psychologist Stanley Milgram decided to see how far people's conscious would allow them to go if they were asked to obey an authority figure.
The "Teacher" role was actually the participant in the experiment while the "Student" role was played by a person involved in the experiment. The teacher and student were told that the student would be answering questions, and for every wrong answer the student gave, the teacher was to administer a powerful electric shock to the student.
The pair where then separated so they could not see each other. The teacher, or the subject of the experiment was told that it was an actual powerful electric shock. Of course, the shock was not real, but even when the students would yelp from pain heard through the glass by the person administering the shocks, they continued.
Even when there were indications of death. The results showed that 65% (26 out of 40) of participants doled out the major 450 watt volt, even though they knew it was deadly.
Fast forward to 2010, almost 50 years later. The French attempts to try this again. This time televised. The results: The documentary, called "The Game of Death," aired Wednesday night on French television. While people were told they were on a reality television show and hostesses cheered the participants on while the audience were chanting in unison: "Punishment". 64 people out of 80 administered the lethal 460 volt shock.
In my opinion, these experiments only prove that we still, and always have been, a corrupt society. The villainous media is the conduit so that evil can be spread at an alarmingly fast rate. Reaching our youth and corrupting our minds, we allow it and most of the time subconsciously welcome it. I think it's truly sad, and a great testament to the fact that while technology has progressed, humanity has not.
As for the average persons personal conscience, I truly believe that for the majority of people, if there is someone else to blame for their own bad behavior, they use it as an excuse to continue doing it. Unfortunately for us an attack of the conscience is something that rarely prevents people from doing awful things to one another.
The headline for the article about the French show was: "French People Will Kill For Fame". However, it is not just the French, it's the entire worlds population. The only thing that has changed is the kind of carrot they're dangling in front of people to enforce behavior that is so hideous and outrageous, I had to rant about it in this blog. Another reason for this blurb is that when I mentioned this to people I work with the general consensus was "I'm so not surprised". People will do anything for money and fame. Well, just because that may be true, still doesn't make it right.


Epic Fail.

What I Gave Up for Lent

Someone recently asked me what I gave up for Lent. I replied "I'm not a Catholic". So the person pressed me again and asked why I still didn't feel the need to give anything up since Jesus gave up so much for all of us. I thought about this long and hard before I gave my standard answer when anyone asks me why I'm not religious: "I think it's hypocritical to give up something for 40 days just because some religion preaches that it should be so."

Later, I actually gave some thought as to why I feel the Catholic religion in particular is hypocrisy personified. I wasn't baptized when I was a baby. When I would tell people this growing up you would have thought that by their reaction I told them I have heinously defaced the grave of Jesus himself! They would say "you know, you're gonna burn in Hell if you die without doing it!" Aside from that being BULLSHIT, it is incredibly malicious coming from a God fearing Catholic who obviously doesn't think it's a sin to tell someone that they're going to Hell. I can assure you that I didn't fear these people but rather they acted as deterrents for me to join their "crew".

I don't believe that you have to be religious to be Spiritual. It has taken me many years and heated debates with people that have extensive organized religious facts and informed opinions, but I really do think that as long as one believes in a being higher than themselves, and then that same person practices this belief, mediates on this belief and then tries to be the best person that they can be, they're not going to Hell. These people that spend all this time giving up chocolate, not eating meat on Friday's, I have to say "good for you." Self sacrifice is healthy food for the soul. I also think that if, and hopefully when, I am standing next to the person that gave up cursing for 40 days on the line to get into heaven I move ahead of them because of the quality of life that I lived. So that I can say "I told you so" and stick my tongue out at them as the angels come and tap me ahead. Of course, I wouldn't stick my tongue out because at that point, I would try to show off my "grace and respect for all that is holy" and because I don't want to go back to that spot in line. My point is that I don't think that choosing to practice in organized religion opposed to dedicating your heart to the Spirituality you've came across on your own, in your heart, makes any difference or proves to be any better than.

I sat in those Catholic services as a child and watched the basket go around. I watched people drop money in there hoping God would forget about their drinking problem. The Catholic's pride themselves on charity yet if the Vatican sold one painting hanging in their fortress we would be able to end the starvation problem in at least one third world Country. I 'm not saying that any one religion is better than any other. All I'm trying to get across is that morality and ethics are completely separate from organized religion. When a person tries to combine the two they can get very confused like I have so many times when trying to choose the religion that was calling my name.

I'm still not baptized. I don't know if I ever will be. If and when that ever happens it will be because I feel a calling from a Higher power telling me to go to church. Honestly though, I think that power can speak to me anytime it wants, because one doesn't have to be in church to hear it.
So for lent this year I have chosen to give up my truth about why I don't need an occasion to forego my vices. If my spirit is meant to go without, I will do it because I think it's right. I don't think Jesus is keeping score on these things. But hey, if you see me in the "other" line, now you'll know why (but that could mean you'll be there too, so don't be so quick to judge ;)

And here I am

Somehow 6 weeks turned in to over 2 years since I've been residing here in New Mexico.
While I'm still searching for Truth and praying for direction, many things have become clear to me and I have been blessed several times with priceless revelations. I do have to say, I still miss the East Coast. I adore the craziness of it's genuine people, and the beauty of the architecture, and the fact that people are always rushing to get where they have to go next. As opposed to this ubiquitous mountain land of the Indians where the New Mexican population continues to live by the mantra "the Land of Manana".

I don't believe I'll ever grow accustomed to that lazy mentality, but I have enjoyed the beauty of simplicity and the appreciation and respect I've mustered for a place where materialism is almost nonexistent. The less you have, the more you have attitude is not subscribed to by the majority of people that live on the East Coast, at least not the people I grew up with.

When I first moved here, I cohabited with the natives here, but I did not want to stop being a "Jersey Girl". Initially, I just wanted to "go home" where people were "normal". However, a good friend* at the time suggested that I start making friends and trying to form a life out here for myself. After months of trepidation, mild-depression, and a severe case of the lonelies, I took his advice.

I made a friend who showed me some of the culture and landscape while embracing my inner "craziness" and respecting the East Coast mentality of pride that was haulting my soul from truy awakening for ever so long (as long as I let it).
After a few nights of beers around the fire pit and getting the chance to get to know some pretty cool people who, contrary to my original impression, were actually living happy, productive lives all while appearing well rounded, well rested people.
When I say well rested, I mean it was as if all of the people from the Tri-State area popped a xanex, sipped a beer and decided to let people take their parking space at the mall all while remaining calm about the entire situation. This awakening of my consciousness implied that there could be another way of living, further it promised the possibility that one day maybe I could also join these happy people, without having to be medicated, and while still holding on to all the pride I had in my heritage and background.
My accent was so thick when I moved here that my "Fran Drescher" origins were unmistakable. I never actually realized I had wore that accent like a badge of honor for so long, until I began to hear the way people talked here. They say "I-talian Submarines", and call cars "Ve-hee-cles. Also, instead of a DMV, like the rest of the world, they offer MVD services. The most prevalent phrase you'll hear at any food establishment, (even Micky D's) is "red or green"? It took me months to realize that New Mexico chile's were different than the chili I had know all my life, packed safely in a can by good old "Hormel". The only question there is "with or without beans".
After the first year, I started to feel the effects of a universal shift of sorts. My world, as I'd always known it was changing, and I was accepting it, welcoming it, even beckoning it. For the first time in my life, rather than trying to run in reverse from the world I was in, I ran towards it.

I can say now that I'm so glad I did. What I've learned in life lessons has been priceless.

It's amazing how much an alternate environment can nurture and nourish the wandering soul. Let me add that without ever really leaving your hometown, I don't think you will be able to grow the way we are all meant to. It's comparable to being in an abusive relationship, everyone else can see it, and see that you need to change things, except for you. Then one day, you break the chains of torture you've forced yourself to carry around and after some time, you begin to see what everyone else could see the whole time. Then it happens: you grow, on an emotional, and spiritual level in a very permanent way that forces one to be able to revise any and all prior misinformed notions about what life "should" be and instead, make the necessary life alterations so that your experiences can be tailored to whatever you it is you need. Thereby, achieving true revoltionary growth on the human level. You'll still have the same thoughts passing through, you just can't make the same decisions as before. Which I've learned is a blessing, in many forms.

I believe: True change happens when you move forward and face the fear that's been holding you back, even when it's painful; especially when it's painful.
I know: That I've become a more spiritual soul while shedding the pain and asking for help from a power higher than my being.
I have also been granted this help, the key is being ready and able to accept it.
I love: every person who encouraged me to flourish from the caterpillar I was in Jersey to the butterfly I've been morphing into while here in the desert.
I'm sure: that love doesn't care how many miles there are between, it's energy is limitless and envelops me in the warmth I've come to know as my "security blanket and foundation".
I am: a very lucky and blessed person. I used to think I was cursed, but after surviving failure, enduring heartache and persevering on my soul's journey, I realized that my bravery had rewarded me with more than I had ever bargained for.

You can bet I won't be eating any red chile any time soon. I assure you, I get nostalgic just thinking about the pizza and the cheap, delicious Chinese food.
Who knows where the road will take me,? But I know now that I have the strength to travel it.
Trust in knowing that I will always be a "Jersey Girl" at heart, but I must say that for now I am in a New Mexico state of mind, and I am thankful.

*(thank you Joey, I don't think I would have made it through the first year here without your support and phone calls on an almost daily basis)

Oldie but goodie

I just read this blog again after I posted it about 8 years ago. Now, I can laugh at it. Ha. Ha.


Let me just take a moment to tell you that just when you think that life cannot be anymore fucked up than it already is you get on the BUS and you find out that life is like a sick twisted joke that is played on you as soon as you wave your arm out (in the 120 degree heat) to catch it. First, you really should know that something is wrong because of the poisonous fumes that you can't help but inhale as the bus pulls over. The fumes should be the first hint that it's gonna be a fucked up ride. Then as you step on (literally, the first step) the bus driver is in such a rush that he pulls off at high speed cutting off all of those people trying to get around it (but fuck them because they're in their car). While the bus driver pulls off you must try to manuver a way to maintain balance (virtually impossible) and pay the fare. Ok so then you take one look at the gritty, smelly, most of the time non-english speaking bus driver and you put your money in to enter the twilight zone. You really can tell as soon as you see the first face that you've entered another dimension, one where people talk to themselves, and don't believe that personal hygiene is necessary, and the best part is, they want to sit right next to ME! On top of this, the air conditioning system is not on (I think this is done purposefully to add to the total experience of the BUS) and the smell of rancid un-clean people is in the air. So I try to sit down and open a book only to realize that I really should look ahead of me because these people may try to lure me into their tribe if I'm in la-la crazy Chuck Palahuniak land. SO the crazy lady that has just got on (let's not forget that we stop every 5 seconds so that your ride on the BUS can be as LONG as possible) and she swears that the bus has hit her elbow so she has to go to the ER and she thinks the bus company should pay. The bus driver seems amused/used to it/ disturbed, and laughs. She starts screamin to the other crazy passengers that we all saw it happend and we are witnesses (i get this funny image of us all hanging out in a courtroom together to trancribe the happenings of the elbow bash for the crazy lady and all of them leaving in white jackets) So now she starts talking to, can you guess?ME! I try to ignore her for as long as possible until I change my seat and sit beside a 105 year old lady that tells me her ailments while I wait for Rod Serling to walk in at any moment and tell me that I have a free pass to leave the TZ at any time. Doesn't happen. Now the kid in the back of the bus is egging the crazy lady on in the front of the bus and says he seen her elbow get hit. HA HA, everyone finds the banter amusing except me because the lady just pissed her pants and now the urine smell is added to the other stenches on the bus. GREAT! The crazy lady is then kicked off the bus by the driver who reminds her that it's not the first time she has done this (SURPRISE< SURPRISE) and she must go. She does,while screaming: "MY ELBOW" in the distance. OK I know that my stop is comin(After a ride that should take 5 minutes turns into a half-hour) and I push the button only to be let off at the stop a block and a half a way from my destination. I scream back door and... nothing, I yell again while they all stare at me with those eyes that silently tell you to run while u still can before you become a permanant member. I finally get out and realize that I HAVE TO GET A CAR!

Fate vs. Free Will..and eveything in between

For the skeptics, let me just say that I believe in both fate and free will. We all make conscious choices before we take action. Having said that, we are responsible for our own current situation but I also think that sometimes fate steps in and guides you.
You may call it that "gut feeling" of taking a left when you're supposed to go right. Be that as it may, the decisions that we make, or in this case, our free will, is applied to any outcome wherein a decision is made. However, is there something guiding each one of us towards our predestined fate? I think as human beings, we can manifest certain things for ourselves such as jobs we may desire or even the presence of certain people. The saying goes that we should shed our past to move forward in life. What happens when you regress? Is that part of free will? Or are any decisions that we consciously make, part of our subconscious minds which are already predetermined without us being aware? This applies to "going against the grain" in other words, taking action that should not have been taken and actually effecting the whole "divinity" thing because things you aren't meant to do can alter your life in negative ways.
A year ago, to the date, I was in NJ, my life as I knew it to be was in shambles, and I had no idea what to do next. The events that triggered my arrival in Albuquerque were eerily beyond my control, leading me to believe that there is somewhat of a chartered course that we unconsciously follow. When I left NJ, I was coming to New Mexico for 6 weeks. 6 Weeks turned into 6 months, and now I've been here a year and have grown in ways that I didn't know were possible. It's one thing to say that you're mature, but it's another thing entirely when you are physically removed from everything/everyone you've ever known and put in surroundings where the main attraction is the mountain that envelops Albuquerque like a beautiful blanket. Different, yes. Worth it, absolutely.
It was sink or swim time..and I believe I have swam. But I will say that even though I would have never thought that I would be here, I sure am glad that the master plan had this sketched on the blue print for me because being away from people and things that are familiar has been the best experience for me thus far. Isolation has taught me strength. Random people have showed me love, and the environment here has proven to me that God has a much bigger plan for us all than the daily dose of drama we each "suffer" from. It was my choice to come here, but it was fate that has kept me here, allowing me the luxury of learning about what I can offer life rather than being so caught up in my own bubble that I always wondered why life wasn't providing for me.
Another valuable tool I've acquired while in New Mexico is gratitude. Gratitude is a tool because the more you know how to give it, the more the blessings come into your life. I have come full circle in the year that I've been here, and I am thankful for both the bad and the good that I've endured on my journey because without past there is no present, and I am so very grateful to be in the present moment. So while it wasn't my choice to go through a devastating breakup, it was necessary for me to learn that I was better off without him in my life. It wasn't my choice to come to Albuquerque it chose me, and while I may have had the unconscious intuition to know I should stay here, it was fate that planted me here and allowed me to rehabilitate myself into the woman I am today.
One of life's other lessons teaches us that we should trust out gut. I have found this almost infallible. When I stepped off the plane into the New Mexico sky that summer night ayear ago, even though I was in such a "bad" place mentally, something deep within me assured me that I had found my new home. I mention this because prior to moving here, I was supposed to move to another state, and I had visited this aforementioned state numerous time and every time I got past state lines, I felt this overwhelming negative vibe making my mind question why anyone would ever want to live there? I know now what I was not enlightened enough to know then; I didn't belong there and my body was giving me all the necessary signals, I just made a conscious decision to ignore them. What happens when you ignore your gut? You get hurt, and you learn hard lessons that you don't always recover from. Thankfully, I have a strong core and through my transition I have even learned how to quiet myself and listen to that core. Now I would be lying if I said I lived by my core, but I'm aware that the key to happiness lies within each one of us, and awareness is the first step in growth.

Living Single

I've been single for about a two years now. I must say it's really not as bad as I thought it would be, unless you count the following:
Single Food shopping
*probably the most depressing thing is to walk down that cold aisle with the elevator music playing knowing that you're shopping for one
Cleaning
* Personally, i enjoy cleaning. However, when you have a significant other, certain "duties", better known as chores, are doled out between two people,
unless you live alone, and then you are responsible for everything
Going out to eat
*Needs no further explanation. I know there are plenty of people out there who think to themselves, "but I enjoy going out to eat by myself". Well, I call bullshit on that one. You might as well just bring your cat.
Conversation (AKA-Bitching and Complaining)
*Yes, you can have a conversation with your friends/family, but there's nothing like coming home and bitching and complaining to the one person who really doesn't have the heart to tell you to stop.
Driving
*This is the exception. Actually driving is one of the things that is way more beneficial to do when single. The critiques and the back-seat driving, I can do without.
I am an extremely independent woman that has liberal views, don't confuse me as the type that "needs to be in a relationship". Personally, I believe that living single is the one of the best things I I've ever done because it forces me to spend time with myself and enjoy my own company but there are definite benefits to having that someone special in your life. There is also pitfalls...I'll discuss them in my next blog. : )

The Google Nation

So there I was today, as usual, planted in my corner of hell, otherwise know as my version of Hell. Usually, when I'm there, because I'm expected to be a drone, I rarely have any original thoughts but today was different.
I thought of what I would do if I could do anything as a career. I never pictured myself being a corporate slave, or working everyday with a view not of the ocean, but of the other drones huddled around me shamelessly trying to pass the time by pretending to do actual work.
Personally, I like to google during office hours. If googling was one of my job requirements, I would have been the President of the Company by now. I googled my name, all the names of almost everyone I know, my horoscope, and I've even googled things like "Murder" and "Cyanide", not because I plan to execute a murder using cyanide, but because my mind yearns for the stench of morbidness that only reading about death can bring. The thing about googling is that usually. the first hit is in Wikipedia. Now, I'm all for Wiki...I know the power it holds to so many that no longer look up words in an archaic dictionary, they want the rush that only the high speed internet can bring to them: instant gratification. I do have one objection to Wiki, I think that people can give misinformation and since people are the ones maintaining the Wiki's Pedia, I would assume that some of that garble is inaccurate.
Also, sometimes, I don't want an explanation of what people think about murder, I just want to know how to commit one. I come from the era of the Library. When I was a kid, if I wanted to know more about a subject, I would go to the library, look in the card catalog and go check the book out. The library also doubled as a great place to meet up with boys before I was allowed to hang out with the opposite sex, but that's another subject entirely. When I was 13, I was out walking the streets and thinking how cool IO was until it became dark then i turned into a vampire (or just had to retreat back to my house for dinner). Now, every 13+ year old kid I know is hidden in cyberspace by snarky avatars and explicit screen names.
When did our society start to devalue humanization and encourage a society of pre- adolescents and beyond to communicate via myspace, facebook, and youtube? It's hard enough to keep tabs on what your kid is doing when you're not around. The internet has opened up a whole can of predators that have been unleashed and are waiting to friend request your 13 year old. Surprisingly, most teens surf the net with unsupervised abandon looking at things that they're to young to view and instant messaging their "buddies" with dialogue that would make any parents skin crawl. Don't get me wrong, I respect the power of the "Information Highway" and the technological strides that we've been able to take because of it. However, I must admit I get nostalgic for the days when I would get an actual hand crafted letter folded into a perfect square and passed to me during 3rd period Math class. Now it's all emails and pokes. Popularity is no longer a contest ran by the elite high school crowd, it's now a race to see who can get more friends on Facebook. I don't know which is worse.
To answer my own question, as I tend to do in my neverending quest of my personal legend, if I could do anything there are many things I would choose. One thing I most certainly would never choose it to sit behind a desk and answer to "the man".

I Hate the Cold...

You know, ever since I moved to New Mexico, people from back home call me and complain about how cold it is home, and how warm it must be here...It's not. It's bitter cold here, especially in the mornings, I know this because it's so cold that my car door actually was frozen shut and since I didn't know how to handle this, I wound up breaking my car door handle. So, the next time this happen, I came out prepared, with a pot of boiling water to pour over my door handle, of course it splattered on the windshield and caused icicles to form over the entire left side, but at least one door is still fully functional. Not that it matters that the door is fully functional when the temporary plates, glued to the back windshield, dated 11/15/07 are way past expired but now I wonder, does the door really have to open on the drivers side to pass inspection?

While we're on the subject of people on the East coast misjudging my "situation" here, I also do NOT live in Mexico. Yes, I'm sure my mother ran into you at the nail salon and told you that I was in Mexico. However, it's New Mexico. If I was in Mexico, I would be in an alley with a bottle of tequilla and a donkey out of reach from those back home.

We had our "holiday party" on Sat. for work, I say holiday party because it sounds dumb to say Christmas part when it's a week before February. I did manage to lose my shoes during the hotel after party which is most certainly the sign that I had a good time.