Things change...time passes....yet people remain the same.

Ask any obnoxious American if they would help a little old lady across the street, majority would say "absolutely".
Ask the average person if they would rescue another human being from death if they had the chance and most would agree it's the "right thing to do."
However, when these same "quality" people are asked to obey orders, they will kill their fellow man 90% of the time.
What's wrong with this picture? Quite a bit if you ask me.
In July of 1961, University Psychologist Stanley Milgram decided to see how far people's conscious would allow them to go if they were asked to obey an authority figure.
The "Teacher" role was actually the participant in the experiment while the "Student" role was played by a person involved in the experiment. The teacher and student were told that the student would be answering questions, and for every wrong answer the student gave, the teacher was to administer a powerful electric shock to the student.
The pair where then separated so they could not see each other. The teacher, or the subject of the experiment was told that it was an actual powerful electric shock. Of course, the shock was not real, but even when the students would yelp from pain heard through the glass by the person administering the shocks, they continued.
Even when there were indications of death. The results showed that 65% (26 out of 40) of participants doled out the major 450 watt volt, even though they knew it was deadly.
Fast forward to 2010, almost 50 years later. The French attempts to try this again. This time televised. The results: The documentary, called "The Game of Death," aired Wednesday night on French television. While people were told they were on a reality television show and hostesses cheered the participants on while the audience were chanting in unison: "Punishment". 64 people out of 80 administered the lethal 460 volt shock.
In my opinion, these experiments only prove that we still, and always have been, a corrupt society. The villainous media is the conduit so that evil can be spread at an alarmingly fast rate. Reaching our youth and corrupting our minds, we allow it and most of the time subconsciously welcome it. I think it's truly sad, and a great testament to the fact that while technology has progressed, humanity has not.
As for the average persons personal conscience, I truly believe that for the majority of people, if there is someone else to blame for their own bad behavior, they use it as an excuse to continue doing it. Unfortunately for us an attack of the conscience is something that rarely prevents people from doing awful things to one another.
The headline for the article about the French show was: "French People Will Kill For Fame". However, it is not just the French, it's the entire worlds population. The only thing that has changed is the kind of carrot they're dangling in front of people to enforce behavior that is so hideous and outrageous, I had to rant about it in this blog. Another reason for this blurb is that when I mentioned this to people I work with the general consensus was "I'm so not surprised". People will do anything for money and fame. Well, just because that may be true, still doesn't make it right.


Epic Fail.

What I Gave Up for Lent

Someone recently asked me what I gave up for Lent. I replied "I'm not a Catholic". So the person pressed me again and asked why I still didn't feel the need to give anything up since Jesus gave up so much for all of us. I thought about this long and hard before I gave my standard answer when anyone asks me why I'm not religious: "I think it's hypocritical to give up something for 40 days just because some religion preaches that it should be so."

Later, I actually gave some thought as to why I feel the Catholic religion in particular is hypocrisy personified. I wasn't baptized when I was a baby. When I would tell people this growing up you would have thought that by their reaction I told them I have heinously defaced the grave of Jesus himself! They would say "you know, you're gonna burn in Hell if you die without doing it!" Aside from that being BULLSHIT, it is incredibly malicious coming from a God fearing Catholic who obviously doesn't think it's a sin to tell someone that they're going to Hell. I can assure you that I didn't fear these people but rather they acted as deterrents for me to join their "crew".

I don't believe that you have to be religious to be Spiritual. It has taken me many years and heated debates with people that have extensive organized religious facts and informed opinions, but I really do think that as long as one believes in a being higher than themselves, and then that same person practices this belief, mediates on this belief and then tries to be the best person that they can be, they're not going to Hell. These people that spend all this time giving up chocolate, not eating meat on Friday's, I have to say "good for you." Self sacrifice is healthy food for the soul. I also think that if, and hopefully when, I am standing next to the person that gave up cursing for 40 days on the line to get into heaven I move ahead of them because of the quality of life that I lived. So that I can say "I told you so" and stick my tongue out at them as the angels come and tap me ahead. Of course, I wouldn't stick my tongue out because at that point, I would try to show off my "grace and respect for all that is holy" and because I don't want to go back to that spot in line. My point is that I don't think that choosing to practice in organized religion opposed to dedicating your heart to the Spirituality you've came across on your own, in your heart, makes any difference or proves to be any better than.

I sat in those Catholic services as a child and watched the basket go around. I watched people drop money in there hoping God would forget about their drinking problem. The Catholic's pride themselves on charity yet if the Vatican sold one painting hanging in their fortress we would be able to end the starvation problem in at least one third world Country. I 'm not saying that any one religion is better than any other. All I'm trying to get across is that morality and ethics are completely separate from organized religion. When a person tries to combine the two they can get very confused like I have so many times when trying to choose the religion that was calling my name.

I'm still not baptized. I don't know if I ever will be. If and when that ever happens it will be because I feel a calling from a Higher power telling me to go to church. Honestly though, I think that power can speak to me anytime it wants, because one doesn't have to be in church to hear it.
So for lent this year I have chosen to give up my truth about why I don't need an occasion to forego my vices. If my spirit is meant to go without, I will do it because I think it's right. I don't think Jesus is keeping score on these things. But hey, if you see me in the "other" line, now you'll know why (but that could mean you'll be there too, so don't be so quick to judge ;)

And here I am

Somehow 6 weeks turned in to over 2 years since I've been residing here in New Mexico.
While I'm still searching for Truth and praying for direction, many things have become clear to me and I have been blessed several times with priceless revelations. I do have to say, I still miss the East Coast. I adore the craziness of it's genuine people, and the beauty of the architecture, and the fact that people are always rushing to get where they have to go next. As opposed to this ubiquitous mountain land of the Indians where the New Mexican population continues to live by the mantra "the Land of Manana".

I don't believe I'll ever grow accustomed to that lazy mentality, but I have enjoyed the beauty of simplicity and the appreciation and respect I've mustered for a place where materialism is almost nonexistent. The less you have, the more you have attitude is not subscribed to by the majority of people that live on the East Coast, at least not the people I grew up with.

When I first moved here, I cohabited with the natives here, but I did not want to stop being a "Jersey Girl". Initially, I just wanted to "go home" where people were "normal". However, a good friend* at the time suggested that I start making friends and trying to form a life out here for myself. After months of trepidation, mild-depression, and a severe case of the lonelies, I took his advice.

I made a friend who showed me some of the culture and landscape while embracing my inner "craziness" and respecting the East Coast mentality of pride that was haulting my soul from truy awakening for ever so long (as long as I let it).
After a few nights of beers around the fire pit and getting the chance to get to know some pretty cool people who, contrary to my original impression, were actually living happy, productive lives all while appearing well rounded, well rested people.
When I say well rested, I mean it was as if all of the people from the Tri-State area popped a xanex, sipped a beer and decided to let people take their parking space at the mall all while remaining calm about the entire situation. This awakening of my consciousness implied that there could be another way of living, further it promised the possibility that one day maybe I could also join these happy people, without having to be medicated, and while still holding on to all the pride I had in my heritage and background.
My accent was so thick when I moved here that my "Fran Drescher" origins were unmistakable. I never actually realized I had wore that accent like a badge of honor for so long, until I began to hear the way people talked here. They say "I-talian Submarines", and call cars "Ve-hee-cles. Also, instead of a DMV, like the rest of the world, they offer MVD services. The most prevalent phrase you'll hear at any food establishment, (even Micky D's) is "red or green"? It took me months to realize that New Mexico chile's were different than the chili I had know all my life, packed safely in a can by good old "Hormel". The only question there is "with or without beans".
After the first year, I started to feel the effects of a universal shift of sorts. My world, as I'd always known it was changing, and I was accepting it, welcoming it, even beckoning it. For the first time in my life, rather than trying to run in reverse from the world I was in, I ran towards it.

I can say now that I'm so glad I did. What I've learned in life lessons has been priceless.

It's amazing how much an alternate environment can nurture and nourish the wandering soul. Let me add that without ever really leaving your hometown, I don't think you will be able to grow the way we are all meant to. It's comparable to being in an abusive relationship, everyone else can see it, and see that you need to change things, except for you. Then one day, you break the chains of torture you've forced yourself to carry around and after some time, you begin to see what everyone else could see the whole time. Then it happens: you grow, on an emotional, and spiritual level in a very permanent way that forces one to be able to revise any and all prior misinformed notions about what life "should" be and instead, make the necessary life alterations so that your experiences can be tailored to whatever you it is you need. Thereby, achieving true revoltionary growth on the human level. You'll still have the same thoughts passing through, you just can't make the same decisions as before. Which I've learned is a blessing, in many forms.

I believe: True change happens when you move forward and face the fear that's been holding you back, even when it's painful; especially when it's painful.
I know: That I've become a more spiritual soul while shedding the pain and asking for help from a power higher than my being.
I have also been granted this help, the key is being ready and able to accept it.
I love: every person who encouraged me to flourish from the caterpillar I was in Jersey to the butterfly I've been morphing into while here in the desert.
I'm sure: that love doesn't care how many miles there are between, it's energy is limitless and envelops me in the warmth I've come to know as my "security blanket and foundation".
I am: a very lucky and blessed person. I used to think I was cursed, but after surviving failure, enduring heartache and persevering on my soul's journey, I realized that my bravery had rewarded me with more than I had ever bargained for.

You can bet I won't be eating any red chile any time soon. I assure you, I get nostalgic just thinking about the pizza and the cheap, delicious Chinese food.
Who knows where the road will take me,? But I know now that I have the strength to travel it.
Trust in knowing that I will always be a "Jersey Girl" at heart, but I must say that for now I am in a New Mexico state of mind, and I am thankful.

*(thank you Joey, I don't think I would have made it through the first year here without your support and phone calls on an almost daily basis)

Oldie but goodie

I just read this blog again after I posted it about 8 years ago. Now, I can laugh at it. Ha. Ha.


Let me just take a moment to tell you that just when you think that life cannot be anymore fucked up than it already is you get on the BUS and you find out that life is like a sick twisted joke that is played on you as soon as you wave your arm out (in the 120 degree heat) to catch it. First, you really should know that something is wrong because of the poisonous fumes that you can't help but inhale as the bus pulls over. The fumes should be the first hint that it's gonna be a fucked up ride. Then as you step on (literally, the first step) the bus driver is in such a rush that he pulls off at high speed cutting off all of those people trying to get around it (but fuck them because they're in their car). While the bus driver pulls off you must try to manuver a way to maintain balance (virtually impossible) and pay the fare. Ok so then you take one look at the gritty, smelly, most of the time non-english speaking bus driver and you put your money in to enter the twilight zone. You really can tell as soon as you see the first face that you've entered another dimension, one where people talk to themselves, and don't believe that personal hygiene is necessary, and the best part is, they want to sit right next to ME! On top of this, the air conditioning system is not on (I think this is done purposefully to add to the total experience of the BUS) and the smell of rancid un-clean people is in the air. So I try to sit down and open a book only to realize that I really should look ahead of me because these people may try to lure me into their tribe if I'm in la-la crazy Chuck Palahuniak land. SO the crazy lady that has just got on (let's not forget that we stop every 5 seconds so that your ride on the BUS can be as LONG as possible) and she swears that the bus has hit her elbow so she has to go to the ER and she thinks the bus company should pay. The bus driver seems amused/used to it/ disturbed, and laughs. She starts screamin to the other crazy passengers that we all saw it happend and we are witnesses (i get this funny image of us all hanging out in a courtroom together to trancribe the happenings of the elbow bash for the crazy lady and all of them leaving in white jackets) So now she starts talking to, can you guess?ME! I try to ignore her for as long as possible until I change my seat and sit beside a 105 year old lady that tells me her ailments while I wait for Rod Serling to walk in at any moment and tell me that I have a free pass to leave the TZ at any time. Doesn't happen. Now the kid in the back of the bus is egging the crazy lady on in the front of the bus and says he seen her elbow get hit. HA HA, everyone finds the banter amusing except me because the lady just pissed her pants and now the urine smell is added to the other stenches on the bus. GREAT! The crazy lady is then kicked off the bus by the driver who reminds her that it's not the first time she has done this (SURPRISE< SURPRISE) and she must go. She does,while screaming: "MY ELBOW" in the distance. OK I know that my stop is comin(After a ride that should take 5 minutes turns into a half-hour) and I push the button only to be let off at the stop a block and a half a way from my destination. I scream back door and... nothing, I yell again while they all stare at me with those eyes that silently tell you to run while u still can before you become a permanant member. I finally get out and realize that I HAVE TO GET A CAR!

Fate vs. Free Will..and eveything in between

For the skeptics, let me just say that I believe in both fate and free will. We all make conscious choices before we take action. Having said that, we are responsible for our own current situation but I also think that sometimes fate steps in and guides you.
You may call it that "gut feeling" of taking a left when you're supposed to go right. Be that as it may, the decisions that we make, or in this case, our free will, is applied to any outcome wherein a decision is made. However, is there something guiding each one of us towards our predestined fate? I think as human beings, we can manifest certain things for ourselves such as jobs we may desire or even the presence of certain people. The saying goes that we should shed our past to move forward in life. What happens when you regress? Is that part of free will? Or are any decisions that we consciously make, part of our subconscious minds which are already predetermined without us being aware? This applies to "going against the grain" in other words, taking action that should not have been taken and actually effecting the whole "divinity" thing because things you aren't meant to do can alter your life in negative ways.
A year ago, to the date, I was in NJ, my life as I knew it to be was in shambles, and I had no idea what to do next. The events that triggered my arrival in Albuquerque were eerily beyond my control, leading me to believe that there is somewhat of a chartered course that we unconsciously follow. When I left NJ, I was coming to New Mexico for 6 weeks. 6 Weeks turned into 6 months, and now I've been here a year and have grown in ways that I didn't know were possible. It's one thing to say that you're mature, but it's another thing entirely when you are physically removed from everything/everyone you've ever known and put in surroundings where the main attraction is the mountain that envelops Albuquerque like a beautiful blanket. Different, yes. Worth it, absolutely.
It was sink or swim time..and I believe I have swam. But I will say that even though I would have never thought that I would be here, I sure am glad that the master plan had this sketched on the blue print for me because being away from people and things that are familiar has been the best experience for me thus far. Isolation has taught me strength. Random people have showed me love, and the environment here has proven to me that God has a much bigger plan for us all than the daily dose of drama we each "suffer" from. It was my choice to come here, but it was fate that has kept me here, allowing me the luxury of learning about what I can offer life rather than being so caught up in my own bubble that I always wondered why life wasn't providing for me.
Another valuable tool I've acquired while in New Mexico is gratitude. Gratitude is a tool because the more you know how to give it, the more the blessings come into your life. I have come full circle in the year that I've been here, and I am thankful for both the bad and the good that I've endured on my journey because without past there is no present, and I am so very grateful to be in the present moment. So while it wasn't my choice to go through a devastating breakup, it was necessary for me to learn that I was better off without him in my life. It wasn't my choice to come to Albuquerque it chose me, and while I may have had the unconscious intuition to know I should stay here, it was fate that planted me here and allowed me to rehabilitate myself into the woman I am today.
One of life's other lessons teaches us that we should trust out gut. I have found this almost infallible. When I stepped off the plane into the New Mexico sky that summer night ayear ago, even though I was in such a "bad" place mentally, something deep within me assured me that I had found my new home. I mention this because prior to moving here, I was supposed to move to another state, and I had visited this aforementioned state numerous time and every time I got past state lines, I felt this overwhelming negative vibe making my mind question why anyone would ever want to live there? I know now what I was not enlightened enough to know then; I didn't belong there and my body was giving me all the necessary signals, I just made a conscious decision to ignore them. What happens when you ignore your gut? You get hurt, and you learn hard lessons that you don't always recover from. Thankfully, I have a strong core and through my transition I have even learned how to quiet myself and listen to that core. Now I would be lying if I said I lived by my core, but I'm aware that the key to happiness lies within each one of us, and awareness is the first step in growth.

Living Single

I've been single for about a two years now. I must say it's really not as bad as I thought it would be, unless you count the following:
Single Food shopping
*probably the most depressing thing is to walk down that cold aisle with the elevator music playing knowing that you're shopping for one
Cleaning
* Personally, i enjoy cleaning. However, when you have a significant other, certain "duties", better known as chores, are doled out between two people,
unless you live alone, and then you are responsible for everything
Going out to eat
*Needs no further explanation. I know there are plenty of people out there who think to themselves, "but I enjoy going out to eat by myself". Well, I call bullshit on that one. You might as well just bring your cat.
Conversation (AKA-Bitching and Complaining)
*Yes, you can have a conversation with your friends/family, but there's nothing like coming home and bitching and complaining to the one person who really doesn't have the heart to tell you to stop.
Driving
*This is the exception. Actually driving is one of the things that is way more beneficial to do when single. The critiques and the back-seat driving, I can do without.
I am an extremely independent woman that has liberal views, don't confuse me as the type that "needs to be in a relationship". Personally, I believe that living single is the one of the best things I I've ever done because it forces me to spend time with myself and enjoy my own company but there are definite benefits to having that someone special in your life. There is also pitfalls...I'll discuss them in my next blog. : )

The Google Nation

So there I was today, as usual, planted in my corner of hell, otherwise know as my version of Hell. Usually, when I'm there, because I'm expected to be a drone, I rarely have any original thoughts but today was different.
I thought of what I would do if I could do anything as a career. I never pictured myself being a corporate slave, or working everyday with a view not of the ocean, but of the other drones huddled around me shamelessly trying to pass the time by pretending to do actual work.
Personally, I like to google during office hours. If googling was one of my job requirements, I would have been the President of the Company by now. I googled my name, all the names of almost everyone I know, my horoscope, and I've even googled things like "Murder" and "Cyanide", not because I plan to execute a murder using cyanide, but because my mind yearns for the stench of morbidness that only reading about death can bring. The thing about googling is that usually. the first hit is in Wikipedia. Now, I'm all for Wiki...I know the power it holds to so many that no longer look up words in an archaic dictionary, they want the rush that only the high speed internet can bring to them: instant gratification. I do have one objection to Wiki, I think that people can give misinformation and since people are the ones maintaining the Wiki's Pedia, I would assume that some of that garble is inaccurate.
Also, sometimes, I don't want an explanation of what people think about murder, I just want to know how to commit one. I come from the era of the Library. When I was a kid, if I wanted to know more about a subject, I would go to the library, look in the card catalog and go check the book out. The library also doubled as a great place to meet up with boys before I was allowed to hang out with the opposite sex, but that's another subject entirely. When I was 13, I was out walking the streets and thinking how cool IO was until it became dark then i turned into a vampire (or just had to retreat back to my house for dinner). Now, every 13+ year old kid I know is hidden in cyberspace by snarky avatars and explicit screen names.
When did our society start to devalue humanization and encourage a society of pre- adolescents and beyond to communicate via myspace, facebook, and youtube? It's hard enough to keep tabs on what your kid is doing when you're not around. The internet has opened up a whole can of predators that have been unleashed and are waiting to friend request your 13 year old. Surprisingly, most teens surf the net with unsupervised abandon looking at things that they're to young to view and instant messaging their "buddies" with dialogue that would make any parents skin crawl. Don't get me wrong, I respect the power of the "Information Highway" and the technological strides that we've been able to take because of it. However, I must admit I get nostalgic for the days when I would get an actual hand crafted letter folded into a perfect square and passed to me during 3rd period Math class. Now it's all emails and pokes. Popularity is no longer a contest ran by the elite high school crowd, it's now a race to see who can get more friends on Facebook. I don't know which is worse.
To answer my own question, as I tend to do in my neverending quest of my personal legend, if I could do anything there are many things I would choose. One thing I most certainly would never choose it to sit behind a desk and answer to "the man".