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Friday, January 8, 2010

And here I am

Somehow 6 weeks turned in to over 2 years since I've been residing here in New Mexico.
While I'm still searching for Truth and praying for direction, many things have become clear to me and I have been blessed several times with priceless revelations. I do have to say, I still miss the East Coast. I adore the craziness of it's genuine people, and the beauty of the architecture, and the fact that people are always rushing to get where they have to go next. As opposed to this ubiquitous mountain land of the Indians where the New Mexican population continues to live by the mantra "the Land of Manana".

I don't believe I'll ever grow accustomed to that lazy mentality, but I have enjoyed the beauty of simplicity and the appreciation and respect I've mustered for a place where materialism is almost nonexistent. The less you have, the more you have attitude is not subscribed to by the majority of people that live on the East Coast, at least not the people I grew up with.

When I first moved here, I cohabited with the natives here, but I did not want to stop being a "Jersey Girl". Initially, I just wanted to "go home" where people were "normal". However, a good friend* at the time suggested that I start making friends and trying to form a life out here for myself. After months of trepidation, mild-depression, and a severe case of the lonelies, I took his advice.

I made a friend who showed me some of the culture and landscape while embracing my inner "craziness" and respecting the East Coast mentality of pride that was haulting my soul from truy awakening for ever so long (as long as I let it).
After a few nights of beers around the fire pit and getting the chance to get to know some pretty cool people who, contrary to my original impression, were actually living happy, productive lives all while appearing well rounded, well rested people.
When I say well rested, I mean it was as if all of the people from the Tri-State area popped a xanex, sipped a beer and decided to let people take their parking space at the mall all while remaining calm about the entire situation. This awakening of my consciousness implied that there could be another way of living, further it promised the possibility that one day maybe I could also join these happy people, without having to be medicated, and while still holding on to all the pride I had in my heritage and background.
My accent was so thick when I moved here that my "Fran Drescher" origins were unmistakable. I never actually realized I had wore that accent like a badge of honor for so long, until I began to hear the way people talked here. They say "I-talian Submarines", and call cars "Ve-hee-cles. Also, instead of a DMV, like the rest of the world, they offer MVD services. The most prevalent phrase you'll hear at any food establishment, (even Micky D's) is "red or green"? It took me months to realize that New Mexico chile's were different than the chili I had know all my life, packed safely in a can by good old "Hormel". The only question there is "with or without beans".
After the first year, I started to feel the effects of a universal shift of sorts. My world, as I'd always known it was changing, and I was accepting it, welcoming it, even beckoning it. For the first time in my life, rather than trying to run in reverse from the world I was in, I ran towards it.

I can say now that I'm so glad I did. What I've learned in life lessons has been priceless.

It's amazing how much an alternate environment can nurture and nourish the wandering soul. Let me add that without ever really leaving your hometown, I don't think you will be able to grow the way we are all meant to. It's comparable to being in an abusive relationship, everyone else can see it, and see that you need to change things, except for you. Then one day, you break the chains of torture you've forced yourself to carry around and after some time, you begin to see what everyone else could see the whole time. Then it happens: you grow, on an emotional, and spiritual level in a very permanent way that forces one to be able to revise any and all prior misinformed notions about what life "should" be and instead, make the necessary life alterations so that your experiences can be tailored to whatever you it is you need. Thereby, achieving true revoltionary growth on the human level. You'll still have the same thoughts passing through, you just can't make the same decisions as before. Which I've learned is a blessing, in many forms.

I believe: True change happens when you move forward and face the fear that's been holding you back, even when it's painful; especially when it's painful.
I know: That I've become a more spiritual soul while shedding the pain and asking for help from a power higher than my being.
I have also been granted this help, the key is being ready and able to accept it.
I love: every person who encouraged me to flourish from the caterpillar I was in Jersey to the butterfly I've been morphing into while here in the desert.
I'm sure: that love doesn't care how many miles there are between, it's energy is limitless and envelops me in the warmth I've come to know as my "security blanket and foundation".
I am: a very lucky and blessed person. I used to think I was cursed, but after surviving failure, enduring heartache and persevering on my soul's journey, I realized that my bravery had rewarded me with more than I had ever bargained for.

You can bet I won't be eating any red chile any time soon. I assure you, I get nostalgic just thinking about the pizza and the cheap, delicious Chinese food.
Who knows where the road will take me,? But I know now that I have the strength to travel it.
Trust in knowing that I will always be a "Jersey Girl" at heart, but I must say that for now I am in a New Mexico state of mind, and I am thankful.

*(thank you Joey, I don't think I would have made it through the first year here without your support and phone calls on an almost daily basis)