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Friday, January 30, 2009

Oldie but goodie

I just read this blog again after I posted it about 8 years ago. Now, I can laugh at it. Ha. Ha.


Let me just take a moment to tell you that just when you think that life cannot be anymore fucked up than it already is you get on the BUS and you find out that life is like a sick twisted joke that is played on you as soon as you wave your arm out (in the 120 degree heat) to catch it. First, you really should know that something is wrong because of the poisonous fumes that you can't help but inhale as the bus pulls over. The fumes should be the first hint that it's gonna be a fucked up ride. Then as you step on (literally, the first step) the bus driver is in such a rush that he pulls off at high speed cutting off all of those people trying to get around it (but fuck them because they're in their car). While the bus driver pulls off you must try to manuver a way to maintain balance (virtually impossible) and pay the fare. Ok so then you take one look at the gritty, smelly, most of the time non-english speaking bus driver and you put your money in to enter the twilight zone. You really can tell as soon as you see the first face that you've entered another dimension, one where people talk to themselves, and don't believe that personal hygiene is necessary, and the best part is, they want to sit right next to ME! On top of this, the air conditioning system is not on (I think this is done purposefully to add to the total experience of the BUS) and the smell of rancid un-clean people is in the air. So I try to sit down and open a book only to realize that I really should look ahead of me because these people may try to lure me into their tribe if I'm in la-la crazy Chuck Palahuniak land. SO the crazy lady that has just got on (let's not forget that we stop every 5 seconds so that your ride on the BUS can be as LONG as possible) and she swears that the bus has hit her elbow so she has to go to the ER and she thinks the bus company should pay. The bus driver seems amused/used to it/ disturbed, and laughs. She starts screamin to the other crazy passengers that we all saw it happend and we are witnesses (i get this funny image of us all hanging out in a courtroom together to trancribe the happenings of the elbow bash for the crazy lady and all of them leaving in white jackets) So now she starts talking to, can you guess?ME! I try to ignore her for as long as possible until I change my seat and sit beside a 105 year old lady that tells me her ailments while I wait for Rod Serling to walk in at any moment and tell me that I have a free pass to leave the TZ at any time. Doesn't happen. Now the kid in the back of the bus is egging the crazy lady on in the front of the bus and says he seen her elbow get hit. HA HA, everyone finds the banter amusing except me because the lady just pissed her pants and now the urine smell is added to the other stenches on the bus. GREAT! The crazy lady is then kicked off the bus by the driver who reminds her that it's not the first time she has done this (SURPRISE< SURPRISE) and she must go. She does,while screaming: "MY ELBOW" in the distance. OK I know that my stop is comin(After a ride that should take 5 minutes turns into a half-hour) and I push the button only to be let off at the stop a block and a half a way from my destination. I scream back door and... nothing, I yell again while they all stare at me with those eyes that silently tell you to run while u still can before you become a permanant member. I finally get out and realize that I HAVE TO GET A CAR!

Fate vs. Free Will..and eveything in between

For the skeptics, let me just say that I believe in both fate and free will. We all make conscious choices before we take action. Having said that, we are responsible for our own current situation but I also think that sometimes fate steps in and guides you.
You may call it that "gut feeling" of taking a left when you're supposed to go right. Be that as it may, the decisions that we make, or in this case, our free will, is applied to any outcome wherein a decision is made. However, is there something guiding each one of us towards our predestined fate? I think as human beings, we can manifest certain things for ourselves such as jobs we may desire or even the presence of certain people. The saying goes that we should shed our past to move forward in life. What happens when you regress? Is that part of free will? Or are any decisions that we consciously make, part of our subconscious minds which are already predetermined without us being aware? This applies to "going against the grain" in other words, taking action that should not have been taken and actually effecting the whole "divinity" thing because things you aren't meant to do can alter your life in negative ways.
A year ago, to the date, I was in NJ, my life as I knew it to be was in shambles, and I had no idea what to do next. The events that triggered my arrival in Albuquerque were eerily beyond my control, leading me to believe that there is somewhat of a chartered course that we unconsciously follow. When I left NJ, I was coming to New Mexico for 6 weeks. 6 Weeks turned into 6 months, and now I've been here a year and have grown in ways that I didn't know were possible. It's one thing to say that you're mature, but it's another thing entirely when you are physically removed from everything/everyone you've ever known and put in surroundings where the main attraction is the mountain that envelops Albuquerque like a beautiful blanket. Different, yes. Worth it, absolutely.
It was sink or swim time..and I believe I have swam. But I will say that even though I would have never thought that I would be here, I sure am glad that the master plan had this sketched on the blue print for me because being away from people and things that are familiar has been the best experience for me thus far. Isolation has taught me strength. Random people have showed me love, and the environment here has proven to me that God has a much bigger plan for us all than the daily dose of drama we each "suffer" from. It was my choice to come here, but it was fate that has kept me here, allowing me the luxury of learning about what I can offer life rather than being so caught up in my own bubble that I always wondered why life wasn't providing for me.
Another valuable tool I've acquired while in New Mexico is gratitude. Gratitude is a tool because the more you know how to give it, the more the blessings come into your life. I have come full circle in the year that I've been here, and I am thankful for both the bad and the good that I've endured on my journey because without past there is no present, and I am so very grateful to be in the present moment. So while it wasn't my choice to go through a devastating breakup, it was necessary for me to learn that I was better off without him in my life. It wasn't my choice to come to Albuquerque it chose me, and while I may have had the unconscious intuition to know I should stay here, it was fate that planted me here and allowed me to rehabilitate myself into the woman I am today.
One of life's other lessons teaches us that we should trust out gut. I have found this almost infallible. When I stepped off the plane into the New Mexico sky that summer night ayear ago, even though I was in such a "bad" place mentally, something deep within me assured me that I had found my new home. I mention this because prior to moving here, I was supposed to move to another state, and I had visited this aforementioned state numerous time and every time I got past state lines, I felt this overwhelming negative vibe making my mind question why anyone would ever want to live there? I know now what I was not enlightened enough to know then; I didn't belong there and my body was giving me all the necessary signals, I just made a conscious decision to ignore them. What happens when you ignore your gut? You get hurt, and you learn hard lessons that you don't always recover from. Thankfully, I have a strong core and through my transition I have even learned how to quiet myself and listen to that core. Now I would be lying if I said I lived by my core, but I'm aware that the key to happiness lies within each one of us, and awareness is the first step in growth.

Living Single

I've been single for about a two years now. I must say it's really not as bad as I thought it would be, unless you count the following:
Single Food shopping
*probably the most depressing thing is to walk down that cold aisle with the elevator music playing knowing that you're shopping for one
Cleaning
* Personally, i enjoy cleaning. However, when you have a significant other, certain "duties", better known as chores, are doled out between two people,
unless you live alone, and then you are responsible for everything
Going out to eat
*Needs no further explanation. I know there are plenty of people out there who think to themselves, "but I enjoy going out to eat by myself". Well, I call bullshit on that one. You might as well just bring your cat.
Conversation (AKA-Bitching and Complaining)
*Yes, you can have a conversation with your friends/family, but there's nothing like coming home and bitching and complaining to the one person who really doesn't have the heart to tell you to stop.
Driving
*This is the exception. Actually driving is one of the things that is way more beneficial to do when single. The critiques and the back-seat driving, I can do without.
I am an extremely independent woman that has liberal views, don't confuse me as the type that "needs to be in a relationship". Personally, I believe that living single is the one of the best things I I've ever done because it forces me to spend time with myself and enjoy my own company but there are definite benefits to having that someone special in your life. There is also pitfalls...I'll discuss them in my next blog. : )

The Google Nation

So there I was today, as usual, planted in my corner of hell, otherwise know as my version of Hell. Usually, when I'm there, because I'm expected to be a drone, I rarely have any original thoughts but today was different.
I thought of what I would do if I could do anything as a career. I never pictured myself being a corporate slave, or working everyday with a view not of the ocean, but of the other drones huddled around me shamelessly trying to pass the time by pretending to do actual work.
Personally, I like to google during office hours. If googling was one of my job requirements, I would have been the President of the Company by now. I googled my name, all the names of almost everyone I know, my horoscope, and I've even googled things like "Murder" and "Cyanide", not because I plan to execute a murder using cyanide, but because my mind yearns for the stench of morbidness that only reading about death can bring. The thing about googling is that usually. the first hit is in Wikipedia. Now, I'm all for Wiki...I know the power it holds to so many that no longer look up words in an archaic dictionary, they want the rush that only the high speed internet can bring to them: instant gratification. I do have one objection to Wiki, I think that people can give misinformation and since people are the ones maintaining the Wiki's Pedia, I would assume that some of that garble is inaccurate.
Also, sometimes, I don't want an explanation of what people think about murder, I just want to know how to commit one. I come from the era of the Library. When I was a kid, if I wanted to know more about a subject, I would go to the library, look in the card catalog and go check the book out. The library also doubled as a great place to meet up with boys before I was allowed to hang out with the opposite sex, but that's another subject entirely. When I was 13, I was out walking the streets and thinking how cool IO was until it became dark then i turned into a vampire (or just had to retreat back to my house for dinner). Now, every 13+ year old kid I know is hidden in cyberspace by snarky avatars and explicit screen names.
When did our society start to devalue humanization and encourage a society of pre- adolescents and beyond to communicate via myspace, facebook, and youtube? It's hard enough to keep tabs on what your kid is doing when you're not around. The internet has opened up a whole can of predators that have been unleashed and are waiting to friend request your 13 year old. Surprisingly, most teens surf the net with unsupervised abandon looking at things that they're to young to view and instant messaging their "buddies" with dialogue that would make any parents skin crawl. Don't get me wrong, I respect the power of the "Information Highway" and the technological strides that we've been able to take because of it. However, I must admit I get nostalgic for the days when I would get an actual hand crafted letter folded into a perfect square and passed to me during 3rd period Math class. Now it's all emails and pokes. Popularity is no longer a contest ran by the elite high school crowd, it's now a race to see who can get more friends on Facebook. I don't know which is worse.
To answer my own question, as I tend to do in my neverending quest of my personal legend, if I could do anything there are many things I would choose. One thing I most certainly would never choose it to sit behind a desk and answer to "the man".